December 5, 2017

Ten Stupid Bookish Things I’ve Done This Month So That You Don’t Have To

The following is a “How-Don’t list”. It is not a “How-To list”. DO NOT DO THESE THINGS. I am not legally responsible for your actions, so read at your own risk.

(1) DO NOT finish listening to The Shining at night, while there is a raging wind storm outside that’s blowing in a cold front. I really don’t think I need to elaborate on this one, but just in case I do, hearing “C’mon out here and take your medicine” punctuated by the thump, thump, thump of the roque mallet is maybe a bit scarier when the wind keeps knocking branches out of the trees and into your window.

(2) DO NOT go into bookstores “just to browse” when you’re already over budget on books this month. You will spend more money. You will leave, shamefully, with four more new books. You *might* feel better because one of the books was free because you had loyalty rewards points, but your husband will remind you that you only had them because you also overspent in books last month.

(3) DO NOT utter the sentence, “I’m sure it’ll be fine if I finish this book tonight.” AND ESPECIALLY DO NOT FOLLOW IT UP WITH, “I will definitely get enough sleep and will not need 18 espressos in the morning to make it to work on time-ish and function.” It’s a damn lie, every time.

awake — This woman is clearly not me. She doesn’t even need her empty coffee cup as she probably slept for a full 8 hours and then wasn’t haunted by bookish thoughts after she finally went to sleep.

(4) DO NOT forget to write down what day your library books are due in your calendar. I’m currently living up to my name and single handedly subsidizing my local library system. You’re WELCOME, local people.

time-calendar-saturday-weekend-60032 — You’d think that even with emailed reminders and printed receipts with the due date that I’d remember to return them on time. Nope. My late fees are now basically a second mortgage.

(5) DO NOT promise your dog a nice, long walk right before you start a new book. Sorry, pup. I’ll walk you next year. Probably.

Actual photo of my dog, Rufus. There’s a reason he tries to eat my books.

(6) DO NOT read a book knowing it will make you mad. I’m not going to name names, but I read a terrible book this month. I knew it was going to be bad and painful, but my curiosity got the best of me and now I regret everything. Don’t be me, people.

such anger — I’m pretty sure this man’s ear has been seriously photo-edited a lot, but I’m not going to argue with his sentiment. Some books make me so gosh darn mad.

(7) DO NOT read a book knowing it will make you cry, especially if you are at work. I work in a tech field and I’m pretty sure that sniffles and smeared mascara don’t make a favorable impression when meeting with a client. Why would I do this to myself? Really, I should not read books knowing they will make me feel things. I am robot. I am not human person. Feelings bad. Boop. Beep. Boop.

pexels-photo-568021 — Not a good look for a meeting, well, unless you’re an actor and auditioning for the part of a bereaved military widow in a war time drama. In that case, please feel free to steal this look.

(8) DO NOT host dinner parties or holiday events at your house. You will have to stop reading in order to clean, cook, and then later talk to people. This is a bad decision all around. It’s better to live in solitude and filth than to stop reading.

kitchen-stove-sink-kitchen-counter-349749 — HAHAHAHAHAHA. My house never looks like this.

(9) DO NOT talk to other people about books. You’ll get ideas about new books to read and then you’ll abandon your current reads in favor of the new ones. You’ll be a disgraceful book harlot and all of your books will judge you harshly.

twitter — I don’t even feel like I need to caption this.

(10) DO NOT holiday shop. You’ll inevitably have to buy books for your friends and family, which means you’ll need to go to a bookstore, which means you’ll be surrounded by books, which means your husband will be super mad at you when you accidentally buy the book he wanted to buy you for Christmas. Your friends and family don’t need presents and you don’t need the temptation. Just say no to consumerism. It’s for the best, people. I’m just looking out for you.

christmas-store-222227_1920 — THIS IS A MOTHERFRIGGIN’ TRAP. DON’T GO IN HERE. EVEN THOUGH IT SAYS IT’S A CAFE, THERE ARE STILL PROBABLY BOOKS.

There you have it. Ten things you should definitely not do as curated by your friendly, yet sorta stupid, book blogger. Please, for the love of doughnuts, be smarter than me and don’t do anything on my list.

Have any stupid bookish things you’ve done this month? Add it below in the comments so that no one else repeats your mistake.

Author: Marion Chaloux

Filed Under: Lists